{"id":238,"date":"2024-12-11T16:14:44","date_gmt":"2024-12-11T16:14:44","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/seksulogisch.nl\/?p=238"},"modified":"2025-04-28T08:09:21","modified_gmt":"2025-04-28T08:09:21","slug":"het-beste-seksleven-de-vijand-van-een-fijn-seksleven","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/seksulogisch.nl\/en\/blog\/het-beste-seksleven-de-vijand-van-een-fijn-seksleven\/","title":{"rendered":"The best sex life is the enemy of a good sex life"},"content":{"rendered":"

The French philosopher Montesquieu said it first (as far as we know): the best is the enemy of the good. This implies that perfectionism often leads to problems. When something is good, it doesn\u2019t always need to be improved. This can certainly be applied to our sex lives. It\u2019s not about how often you do it, what positions you use, or the sounds you make or don\u2019t make during orgasm. None of that really matters. It\u2019s all about connection and pleasure.<\/p>

As sex expert Emily Nagoski beautifully puts it: \u201cpleasure is the measure.\u201d<\/p>

We often believe that everything must always be perfect in relationships and especially in sex.<\/p><\/blockquote>

Perfection, perfection, perfection. <\/b>perfectie.<\/b><\/h2>

Whether it stems from insecurity or a romanticized image in the media, we often believe that everything must always be perfect in relationships and especially in sex. This usually starts with knowing what you and your partner or partners want. Often the expectation is: my partner should know what I want at any given moment, and if I have to ask for it, it\u2019s no longer exciting\/romantic\/sexy (strike out what does not apply). I understand the thought process, but your partner is not a mind reader. Moreover, what you need may not always be the same. Perhaps you don\u2019t even know yourself; how can your partner possibly know? Not communicating about desires and expectations and assuming that your partner knows and will get it right off the bat is a recipe for problems and disappointment. <\/span><\/p>

Then there\u2019s the setting, which of course has to be perfect. Sure, setting and context are important, but it\u2019s not about always having candles lit and rose petals leading to the bedroom. What matters is that the setting is comfortable for you and your partners. That you all feel relaxed (or not, depending on what you\u2019re planning) and can enjoy yourselves. <\/span><\/p>

If something odd or unexpected happens, it\u2019s okay to laugh about it, as it\u2019s part of being together and intimate.<\/p><\/blockquote>

Technique and \u201chow it should be\u201d<\/h2>

And then there\u2019s technique. We\u2019ve all felt insecure about it at some point, right? Can we do it well, are we doing it right? Does the other person really enjoy it? It\u2019s normal to feel insecure about this now and then, but don\u2019t fall into the trap of being perfectionistic about your techniques. Firstly, what one person enjoys can vary greatly from another, and what is often considered good technique comes from dubious sources. Consider pornography; the positions and techniques you see are designed to get the best camera angle or to be as arousing as possible for the viewer, not for the participants. It\u2019s also a waste because you\u2019re more focused on how you\u2019re doing it rather than how it feels. And remember, it\u2019s okay to laugh! Even during sex, it doesn\u2019t always have to be so serious. If something funny or unexpected happens, you can really laugh about it; that\u2019s part of being together and being intimate. <\/span><\/p>

And one last tip, if you\u2019re wondering whether your techniques are to your partner\u2019s liking, just ask! This is the only way to align desires, needs, and techniques and a way to grow together in your sex life.<\/p>

Your sex life is yours and your partner(s)\u2019, and no one else has a say or a part in it.<\/p><\/blockquote>

What do others think?<\/h2>

Much of the drive for perfection in sex, I believe, comes from what others think. And I\u2019m not even talking about the immediate partner. A lot of influence on \u201chow sex should be\u201d comes not from discussions with partners, but from outside. We are led by others\u2019 ideas of what our sex life should be, odd or not? Much of this stems from shame; we are mostly taught what we shouldn\u2019t do. We are taught what is and especially what isn\u2019t part of a \u201chealthy\u201d sex life, including shame about bodies, which we also learn should somehow fit a perfect, externally conceived image. But your sex life is something between you and your partner(s), and no one else has any right to comment or interfere. As long as it happens with full consent and enthusiasm from all parties involved, it is perfectly fine, no matter what it involves or looks like.<\/p>

I often wonder about this; for something we struggle so much to discuss with others, we find it surprisingly important what those others think of our sex life. <\/span><\/p>

What matters is how you and your partner can be together and enjoy yourselves.<\/p><\/blockquote>

Too much pressure<\/h2>

The biggest problem with seeking perfection in sex, aside from distracting from pleasure, is that it puts too much pressure on the participants. Sex is already vulnerable and difficult for many people. If it also has to be perfect, it places unnecessary pressure on a moment that you share. Do you put so much pressure on other activities? Imagine if you go out to eat and you have to wait a bit longer for your meal, or there\u2019s a course you don\u2019t like as much. Does that ruin the entire experience? Is it less enjoyable the next time you go out to eat? <\/span><\/p>

The same applies to sex; it\u2019s a moment you share with yourself or another, something to enjoy. It\u2019s about what feels good to you. It\u2019s about how you can be together and enjoy yourselves.<\/p><\/div><\/div><\/div><\/div><\/div><\/div><\/div><\/div>","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

De Franse filosoof Montesquieu zei het (voor zover wij weten) als eerste: het beste is de vijand van het goede. Hiermee wordt bedoeld dat perfectionisme vaak voor problemen zorgt. Wanneer iets goed is, hoeft het niet (altijd) verbeterd te worden. Dit is zeker ook te vertalen naar ons seksleven. Het gaat niet om hoe vaak […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":671,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"om_disable_all_campaigns":false,"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"_uf_show_specific_survey":0,"_uf_disable_surveys":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[4,28],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-238","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-blog","category-zin-in-seks"],"aioseo_notices":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/seksulogisch.nl\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/238","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/seksulogisch.nl\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/seksulogisch.nl\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/seksulogisch.nl\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/seksulogisch.nl\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=238"}],"version-history":[{"count":6,"href":"https:\/\/seksulogisch.nl\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/238\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":674,"href":"https:\/\/seksulogisch.nl\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/238\/revisions\/674"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/seksulogisch.nl\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/671"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/seksulogisch.nl\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=238"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/seksulogisch.nl\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=238"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/seksulogisch.nl\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=238"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}