Do you recognize this scenario? You are at home with your partner, sitting across from each other. There is a silence, and you think about something you’ve wanted to discuss for a while: your sex life. But as soon as you consider bringing up the topic, you feel a knot in your stomach, afraid of the reaction that might come. You decide to keep it to yourself and wait for a better moment, hoping things might improve on their own soon. Could it happen?
Why is it so difficult to talk about sex and intimacy?
Assumptions and taboos
Many people struggle with discussing sex and intimacy due to the strong taboo surrounding the topic. Sex is something we do, but talking about it? That seems like a whole different story. From a young age, we are not taught how to communicate about it, making it an uncomfortable and sometimes even frightening subject to discuss.
Another problem is the many assumptions we seem to make when it comes to sex and intimacy. We think we must automatically know how sex works and what our partner wants. But let’s be honest, no one can read minds. Our culture and society contribute to this image. In the media, sex is often depicted unrealistically. Films and pornography rarely show how people communicate their needs and desires. It always seems perfect, without a single word exchanged. This creates a distorted image and reinforces the idea that talking about sex is unnecessary or even inappropriate.
When couples don’t openly talk about sex and intimacy, they can slowly lose connection with each other
Common misconceptions
There are several misconceptions that people often have when it comes to talking about sex and intimacy:
- “If I talk about what I want, I’m weird or selfish.”
- “I should know how to do it myself; otherwise, I’m failing.”
- “I should know what the other wants without asking.”
- “If my partner loves me, they will automatically do what I want.”
These thoughts create a vicious cycle of miscommunication and misunderstanding. But it is important to realize that these misconceptions actually hinder communication and cause more problems in the short and long term.
The consequences of not talking
When couples don’t openly talk about sex and intimacy, they can slowly lose connection with each other. Problems go unresolved and only grow. The assumption that the other person knows what you want and when you want it is often replaced by a new assumption: “The other person never wants sex, so I won’t even bring it up.” This is followed by the disappointment of rejection that the other person hasn’t even made.
As I outlined in my article about the spiral of rejection, disappointment, and guiltnot communicating about sexual needs can lead to long-term dissatisfaction and growing problems within the relationship. Additionally, it becomes difficult to discover new things and enjoy a fulfilling sex life.
"When you want to talk to your partner about your sex life, don’t do it “in the bedroom"."
How to break through?
So how do you talk about sex and intimacy? Unfortunately, it’s easier said than done and requires a lot of practice and patience. The previously discussed assumptions and taboos are often deeply rooted, as are the shame and fear of being abnormal. The best way is to start with your partner or a close friend. Over time, it becomes easier and easier. And here’s a tip to conclude: when you want to talk to your partner about your sex life, don’t do it “in the bedroom.” Choose a moment when you are not intimate, such as a date night, coffee moment, or another relaxed situation where you are both connected and not engaged in direct intimacy.
Do you need help communicating about sex and intimacy, or do you have other concerns? reach out Contact me free intakeand we will discuss how I can help you.