the illusion of a normal in sexuality
Am I normal? A frequently asked question, whether it’s about sexuality or life in general. Are my fantasies weird? Is the frequency of our sex normal? Am I strange because I have a specific paraphilia (paraphilia is the umbrella term for fetishes and kinks, essentially anything that falls outside the “norm”).
Deep down, we all fear not “fitting in” or “being different.” We are, after all, animals that live in groups. Being excluded from the group could have meant centuries ago that you had to survive on your own, significantly reducing your chances of survival. That same instinct is still within us.
But what does “normal” actually mean? Is it a universal standard that is the same for everyone, or is it a construct that varies depending on culture, time, and personal experiences, and is constantly changing?
In this article, we delve deeper into the idea of normal, both in daily life and in the context of sex, and how this influences our views on sexuality and our behavior.
"Maar dat wil nog niet zeggen dat we alles als "normaal" zien. Maar wie bepaalt dat?"
The Myth of Normal
What if I told you that “normal” doesn’t exist? What we consider normal is nothing more than a reflection of the prevailing norms and values within our culture and society. These norms are constantly evolving and are influenced by media, religion, upbringing, and social interactions. What is considered normal today might be seen as deviant tomorrow, and vice versa.
Until the 1950s (at least), the idea of “normal” in sex was limited to penetration, preferably in the missionary position, between a man and a woman, within marriage, and ideally for procreation.
That is quite different now in 2024; in a relatively short period, the benchmark for normal has shifted significantly. But that doesn’t mean we see everything as “normal.” But who decides that?
“I want things that are weird, and nobody else wants this. Because I never hear anyone talk about it.”
Normaal in seksualiteit
Many people feel pressured to conform to certain sexual norms, while their own desires and needs might fall outside these boundaries. This can lead to feelings of shame, guilt, and isolation. But it’s important to realize that there is no standard sexual experience or preference that applies to everyone. What works for one person doesn’t necessarily work for another.
The Role of Shame and Silence
A major problem with the norm is that it is often upheld by shame and silence. People don’t dare to talk about their real experiences and desires for fear of being judged or even condemned. This culture of silence reinforces existing norms and makes it harder for individuals to explore and express their own sexuality authentically.
The idea is: I want things that are weird, and nobody else wants this. Because I never hear anyone talk about it. But yes, as long as nobody talks about it, we don’t realize that we are certainly not the only ones.
“Let’s make it “normal” together to talk about sex.”
Change and Acceptance
Fortunately, there is a movement towards more openness and acceptance. There is a growing recognition that sexuality is diverse and that there is no one-size-fits-all approach. By having open conversations and sharing experiences, we can relieve the pressure of “normal” and foster a culture of acceptance and understanding. Let’s make it “normal” together to talk about sex.
So What Is Normal?
As a rule of thumb, I would say: as long as it’s legal and consensual between all parties involved, then it’s normal. Simple, right?
This means that your own desires, as long as they don’t harm anyone and happen with mutual consent, are completely valid and normal. It’s very important to spread and support this message so that everyone feels free to be their true selves without fear of judgment or rejection. And we can also learn from each other!
“Should you struggle with the pressure of what should be normal, know that you are not alone.”
“Normal” is an illusion that limits and hinders us in fully embracing our individuality and diversity. Instead of striving for an unattainable norm, we should celebrate the richness of human experiences and sexual diversity. By talking openly and honestly, we can create a culture of inclusivity and acceptance where everyone feels heard and understood.
Should you struggle with the pressure of what should be normal, know that you are not alone. I am here to help and support you in finding your own path to a fulfilling and authentic life.
Feel free to contact me for an intake session.