The French philosopher Montesquieu said it first (as far as we know): the best is the enemy of the good. This implies that perfectionism often leads to problems. When something is good, it doesn’t always need to be improved. This can certainly be applied to our sex lives. It’s not about how often you do it, what positions you use, or the sounds you make or don’t make during orgasm. None of that really matters. It’s all about connection and pleasure.
As sex expert Emily Nagoski beautifully puts it: “pleasure is the measure.”
We often believe that everything must always be perfect in relationships and especially in sex.
Perfection, perfection, perfection. perfectie.
Whether it stems from insecurity or a romanticized image in the media, we often believe that everything must always be perfect in relationships and especially in sex. This usually starts with knowing what you and your partner or partners want. Often the expectation is: my partner should know what I want at any given moment, and if I have to ask for it, it’s no longer exciting/romantic/sexy (strike out what does not apply). I understand the thought process, but your partner is not a mind reader. Moreover, what you need may not always be the same. Perhaps you don’t even know yourself; how can your partner possibly know? Not communicating about desires and expectations and assuming that your partner knows and will get it right off the bat is a recipe for problems and disappointment.
Then there’s the setting, which of course has to be perfect. Sure, setting and context are important, but it’s not about always having candles lit and rose petals leading to the bedroom. What matters is that the setting is comfortable for you and your partners. That you all feel relaxed (or not, depending on what you’re planning) and can enjoy yourselves.
If something odd or unexpected happens, it’s okay to laugh about it, as it’s part of being together and intimate.
Technique and “how it should be”
And then there’s technique. We’ve all felt insecure about it at some point, right? Can we do it well, are we doing it right? Does the other person really enjoy it? It’s normal to feel insecure about this now and then, but don’t fall into the trap of being perfectionistic about your techniques. Firstly, what one person enjoys can vary greatly from another, and what is often considered good technique comes from dubious sources. Consider pornography; the positions and techniques you see are designed to get the best camera angle or to be as arousing as possible for the viewer, not for the participants. It’s also a waste because you’re more focused on how you’re doing it rather than how it feels. And remember, it’s okay to laugh! Even during sex, it doesn’t always have to be so serious. If something funny or unexpected happens, you can really laugh about it; that’s part of being together and being intimate.
And one last tip, if you’re wondering whether your techniques are to your partner’s liking, just ask! This is the only way to align desires, needs, and techniques and a way to grow together in your sex life.
Your sex life is yours and your partner(s)’, and no one else has a say or a part in it.
What do others think?
Much of the drive for perfection in sex, I believe, comes from what others think. And I’m not even talking about the immediate partner. A lot of influence on “how sex should be” comes not from discussions with partners, but from outside. We are led by others’ ideas of what our sex life should be, odd or not? Much of this stems from shame; we are mostly taught what we shouldn’t do. We are taught what is and especially what isn’t part of a “healthy” sex life, including shame about bodies, which we also learn should somehow fit a perfect, externally conceived image. But your sex life is something between you and your partner(s), and no one else has any right to comment or interfere. As long as it happens with full consent and enthusiasm from all parties involved, it is perfectly fine, no matter what it involves or looks like.
I often wonder about this; for something we struggle so much to discuss with others, we find it surprisingly important what those others think of our sex life.
What matters is how you and your partner can be together and enjoy yourselves.
Too much pressure
The biggest problem with seeking perfection in sex, aside from distracting from pleasure, is that it puts too much pressure on the participants. Sex is already vulnerable and difficult for many people. If it also has to be perfect, it places unnecessary pressure on a moment that you share. Do you put so much pressure on other activities? Imagine if you go out to eat and you have to wait a bit longer for your meal, or there’s a course you don’t like as much. Does that ruin the entire experience? Is it less enjoyable the next time you go out to eat?
The same applies to sex; it’s a moment you share with yourself or another, something to enjoy. It’s about what feels good to you. It’s about how you can be together and enjoy yourselves.